The Win-Win Relationship

When I first heard of Stephen Covey’s concept of Think Win-Win, I instantly resonated with it. My husband was the one who first introduced me to it. We were sitting on the shore of a small river, lounging in the sun, when he started to tell me about a concept that he had recently been reading about. Thinking Win-Win. It had been really eye opening for him, seeing the different ways in which people approached collaboration. He saw himself very clearly in one of the patterns. And as he was laying them out for me, I saw myself clearly as well. Here was a label for a mindset that I had been anchored in since I was a child.

For as long as I can remember, in relationships I have always desired for both parties to win. I wanted collaboration. To figure out a path forward that would make both people happy and satisfied. There was a part of me that truly believed that there should always be a way for everyone to have enough, even if both people had to sacrifice a bit for that common goal. I still remember one of the first times that I became aware that not everyone thought that way. I was spending the day with one of my cousins and she had a credit card from her parents that allowed her to get food for herself when she needed it. I didn’t have that or any pocket change, but it didn’t seem like such a big deal because in my head I imagined that she’d let me have a few bites. But when I asked - she said no. I almost couldn’t understand it, that no. It was so unexpected for my young mind. I had an assumption in my head that people always shared. If it had been the other way around, I’d have given her half without thought, because both of us having something would have felt like a win for me. This was one of the first times that I became aware that there were other ways that people engaged in relationship. I didn’t have this language then, but now I would call this a Win-Lose. Not long after that I became aware of another pattern, this time through watching my Mom.

My Mom is the hardest working person I have ever met. I have watched her put other people’s needs before her own my entire life. And though she deserves the world, she has never gotten it. As a teenager I began to see the ways in which she was quick to sacrifice her own needs, desires, and health in order to satisfy the demands of others. She didn’t feel deserving or able to fight for a life that would feel like a win for her. And so, inevitably, resentment took root within her. She was taught that to be a good person, she would have to live her entire life in service to others. And so she adopted what Stephen Covey might call a Lose-Win mentality.

In my practice I see couples who play out variations of this dynamic all the time. There might be one partner who’s so focused on getting what they want - that they come in and bulldoze the other. And maybe the partner that just got leveled, has a belief that they always lose, so they don’t even bring their desires to the table anymore. Resentment grows on both sides. The party that was once so attached to getting what they want, starts to feel like they aren’t in a partnership anymore. They end up feeling like they’re stuck with a pessimist that won’t stand up for what they want. And the self-sacrificing partner? They might feel like bringing their wants and desires to the table is way too vulnerable. Because in the past, it was much more painful when they got shot down than when they didn’t even try in the first place. Both parties deeply crave partnership, openness, collaboration, and depth but they are trapped in a cycle of feeling either controlled or controlling. And it’s deeply unsatisfying.

So what can they do about it? It can be really helpful to have a framework that can help us to understand where we are starting from. I’m going to list some of the patterns that I have seen in my work, so that you can see which one(s) you resonate with.

The Win-Lose

This might look like being really attached to getting your point across or making things go your way, without really caring to see your partners point of view, or quickly disregarding their point of view if it conflicts with your own. You might struggle with letting go of control, even feeling unsafe if someone else is at the wheel.

The Lose-Win

This might look like not being honest or upfront with what you really want or being quick to sacrifice when faced with confrontation or disagreement. You might feel deeply uncomfortable or even unsafe if you believe that other people are unhappy with you. Which can lead you to consistently prioritize other people’s happiness and comfort above your own.

The Lose-Lose

I’ve seen this pattern show up after a lot of resentment has built up over time. Oftentimes, the partner that was willing to lose in order for the other to win is no longer willing to continue the dynamic. Both parties lose sight of what a win would actually look like for them, and so they start to cling rigidly to various ideals of what a relationship “should” look like. But unfortunately, these should’s even if achieved, bring little satisfaction. Both parties have become unwilling to see the other persons point of view, to make compromises or sacrifices, and instead live on opposite sides of a psychic ravine. Neither person really getting what they want out of the relationship, but also being unwilling to build a bridge.

You might have recognized yourself in one or more of the above patterns. Sometimes people will oscillate between them depending on the situation. But seeing how you are currently entering into collaboration with your partner will make it easier to understand what it is that you can do next. The work for each type is a bit different. So if you can, identify where it is that you feel like you usually fall.

The Win-Lose

If you identified most closely with this dynamic, the work for you is to start to release control. To invite your partner to express themselves, while staying open to any differences in your viewpoints. It becomes very important to cultivate patience, open mindedness, and curiosity. If you genuinely want partnership, you are going to have to be willing to accept the person before you ~ as they are. In a partnership, there are two. Differences are inevitable. But instead of viewing those differences as something that jeopardizes your closeness, creates inconvenience, or is a personal attack on you, try to view those differences as an opportunity. When your partner is truly expressing themselves, a window is appearing before you. You can peer in and glimpse the dynamic complexity of your partner. Instead of being a cause for fear, this can often elicit excitement, as you feel as you did in the beginning of your relationship. Where not all is yet known. Can you learn to sit with the unknown and with mystery? To allow your partner to bring their unique flavor, so you can cook up something new?

The Lose-Win

If you identified most closely with this approach, the work for you is to start to value your own wants, desires, and perspectives. It’s likely that at some point in your life, keeping the peace became a greater priority than being authentic. Based on that peace keeping priority you would have put your wants, desires, and needs on the back burner. While this may have been important for you to do at one point in your life, it is now keeping you from being an active participant in your relationship. To cultivate a true partnership, you have to be willing to bring all of yourself to the table. Even the parts that may upset others or cause a disagreement. It is your work to start to believe in the value of who you are. Because when you value yourself, you start to believe you are deserving of a win too. Oftentimes people with the Lose-Win mentality truly believe that disagreements or arguments will lead to separation and abandonment. But what they discover is that when both parties are willing to stay open and curious within the discomfort — opportunities for greater intimacy and alignment open up before their eyes.

The Lose-Lose

If you identified most closely with this pattern, I’m very sorry. This is a painful dynamic to be in. I think that most couples would benefit from reading the book — Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg — but couples stuck in a Lose-Lose dynamic would especially benefit from it. The goal of nonviolent communication is to learn to step out of blame, accusation, and demand and into curiosity, compassion, and request. As many of us were not shown what healthy, loving communication looks like, we deeply struggle to feel seen, heard, and acknowledged. And we often don’t know how to offer that to our partner either. Study this book, and discover a new way to interact. Make a commitment to honor your experience, while still being open to what your partner is going through. Both experiences can be true at the same time — even if they first appear to be in conflict. It becomes less important who is right and who is wrong, and more important that both people feel seen and heard in their experience. This allows for the openness necessary to move forward in a way that can honor both parties individual needs, preferences, and life paths.

The Win-Win

Now, let’s talk about what it looks like to think Win-Win. First things first, both parties need to be connected to what feels true for them. They then need to be willing to share that. This part alone can feel really daunting at first. Stepping into expression, especially about the things that are truly important to you, can feel incredibly vulnerable. So try starting small. If you’re really nervous, preface what you need to say with something that acknowledges how you feel, “I’m really nervous about sharing this, but I feel like it’s really important to open up this conversation. Please be patient with me as I’m trying to get this all out.” Letting someone know ahead of time that you’re about to say something vulnerable can help them to tune in and hold a safe space for you.

Thinking Win-Win means that you wish to receive your partner just as much as you wish to be received by your partner. This means that you are willing to hear their truth even when it stings or stirs up intense emotions. This can be very challenging when what they are saying feels inaccurate. But instead of immediately jumping to correct your partner, try to see underneath what they are saying to the emotions and needs that they are presenting. This can help you to stay anchored in curiosity which will help to diffuse reactivity. When we seek to understand our partner first, we lay the groundwork for them to reciprocate in kind. This builds a powerful foundation of trust that helps both parties to continue sharing, even when the conversation gets challenging. When we can stick in the challenging and uncomfortable conversations, we end up holding the tension of two opposite perspectives. And when we have held that intense tension for long enough something magical happens— a third perspective spontaneously develops. A path forward that will foster greater intimacy and connection, and allow a true Win-Win to take place.

Thinking Win-Win is not a destination that you arrive at and never leave. It is a practice. A daily commitment to showing up in your relationship with the intention of honoring both yourself and the person you love. There will be conversations that don’t go well and moments where you slip back into old patterns — where you bulldoze, retreat, or dig in on opposite sides of the ravine. That is normal and human and expected. What matters is that you keep showing up and that you keep choosing the more rewarding path of genuine partnership. The relationship you are capable of having — one built on honesty, curiosity, mutual respect, and real intimacy — is worth every uncomfortable conversation it takes to get there.

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If you’d like support in learning how to bring more of yourself to the table in your relationship — your voice, your desires, and your willingness to stay in the hard conversations — I’d love to connect with you. Book a free connection call below to share what you deeply desire out of your relationship, and gain insight into what is currently standing in your way.

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